Do or Die

If you're anything like me, year-after-year, you tell yourself, "THIS YEAR I'll get my act together." "THIS YEAR I'll give up the cookies, cocaine and cigarettes." "THIS YEAR I'll exercise at least three times a week. THIS YEAR.,,,

Totally kidding about the cocaine--no interventions please.

But, let's get real. Intrinsic motiviation only goes so far and cookies are delicious. Grand and lofty goals like "get in shape" and "eat right" are seldom realized, and our "failure" to meet them often leads to self-loathing.

THIS YEAR, I'm trying something different, a little-something called "positive reinforcement." Or maybe it should be called "do or die"--I'm not sure yet.

Instead of making promises to go to the gym or jog each morning, I'm planning an adventure. Specifically, I am making plans to join a guided milt-day hike--maybe The W hike through the Patagonian Andes, or possibly a rim-to-rim Grand Canyon hike--that requires me to be in great shape. If I train sufficiently, the hike will be my reward. And, if I don't, well that's the "die" part. 

The point is, I need to be in better shape. My motivation is not vanity, but health-related. I have mechanical scoliosis, and well-toned, strong muscles are key to keeping my back from curving into an "s." The curvature in my spine is the result of breaking my left femur bone in a car accident when I was just ten years old. Instead of being put into a body cast, I had a metal rod attached with pins to the broken bone. Thanks to the stress caused by the impact of the accident, my femur refused to heal and the rod eventually broke. I had another surgery and a new rod inserted, but that one broke too. For the third surgery, the rod was upgraded from stainless steel to titanium and bone from hip was graphed around the break. During one of these surgeries, the doctors cut through a growth plate, stunting the growth of my left leg. I wear a lift on my left shoe to make up the difference, but to this day my left leg is weaker than the right, making my hips and spine uneven.

A few years ago, during a regular check-up, my doctor suggested I have surgery to lengthen my left leg. I left that appointment in tears, and sought a second opinion from a doctor at the Maryland Spine Center in Baltimore. My new doctor's approach suited me much better; her biggest recommendation was to exercise to keep my back and leg muscles strong. And, for the first year after that appointment, I was a fitness manaic. I took pilates and yoga. I walked everywhere and hiked every weekend.

I'm not sure why or how, but after that first year, my dedication to fitness wore off. Not only have I gained about 15 pounds, but also I feel slow, weak and imbalanced. I've had enough of feeling like a sloth--it's time to act.

What kind of person do you want to be?

I want to be happy, full of laughter.
I want to be focused and driven.
I want to be active in my community.
I want to love. I want to be loved.
I want to be proud of who I am. I want to be proud of my accomplishments.
I want to be beautiful, inside and out.
I want to be compassionate. I want to be passionate.
I want to remember what's important and life, not sweat the small stuff.
I want to be kind, warm and open.
I want to know where I stand. I want to be grounded.
I want to explore my creative side.
I want to be fair.
I want to be curious, a life-long learner.
I want to be a loving and caring daughter, partner and friend.
I want to move forward.
I want to be able to admit when I'm wrong.
I want to be appreciative of all the wonderful people in my life. I want to be appreciated.
I want to be self-confident. I want to be self-aware.
I want to not be afraid.
I want to take chances.
I want to follow my heart.
I want to be the best person I can be.

* Today is Yom Kippur, perhaps the most important of all the Jewish holidays. The week between Rosh Hashana--the Jewish New Year--and Yom Kippur, is a time for self-reflection, a time to commit to being the person you want to be, a time to forgive, a time to recognize an accept that you are not perfect. Whether you are Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Pagan, Hindu, Baha'i, whatever, I encourage you to ask yourself, "What kind of person do you want to be?"

-- Post From My iPhone

Changing seasons

Summer is my favorite time of year. Nothing beats long, sun-filled days, trips to the beach, fresh-steamed blue crabs, and garden-fresh tomatoes. The warm, muggy nights of summer are perfect for dancing under the moonlight or drinking beers with good friends in the backyard. Everything is alive in the summer. By August's end, plants are reaching for the sky, lush and green, and there's something fun and exciting going on every weekend. Summertime is youthful and energetic, a time for play.

I spend the beginning of each fall lamenting summer's end, but this year I am feeling something new. This year, as the weather cools and the days become shorter, I find myself standing face-to-face with the brevity of my existence.

Summer has turned into fall, which will soon turn into winter, then spring. Another year of my life will have passed me by.

Time has become a precious commodity. The hopes and dreams that I have held dear to my heart, yet at arms-length, are suddenly prominent in my mind. My desire to break free, to escape the rat race, to do something that really matters is burning and urgent.

If I don't take a chance and follow my dreams soon, will I ever? Will the daily grind that my life has become consume me? As I approach 30, I worry that I will become complacent and settled in my ways, whatever they are.

I am torn. I find comfort in the predictable and secure life I have built for myself, but I yearn for spontaneity and adventure. I want it all. I want nothing. I want to feel connected, but I feel like running. Running back toward the idealistic person I once was, the life I once lived, before so many summers had passed by.

Lists, lists, lists...I love making lists.

I make lists of things to I have to do—pay bills, pick up dry cleaning, call mom, clean kitchen.
I make lists of things to buy —bananas, apples, cucumber, cilantro, yogurt.
And, lists of things I want for the house—juicer, bean bag chairs, composter, new computer desk.

Once I write something on a list, it becomes my focus, my obsession, and I must GET IT DONE. Unfortunately, I have a nasty habit of making impossible lists with a flurry of bullet points and a dizzying array tasks, which I then stress over completing.

Since I don't expect to change anytime soon, I've decided to embrace and exploit my OCD this minor character flaw by making a new list. This list will not feature errands to be run or necessities to purchase, instead this list will contain things I have been wanting to do but have not had time to do. I figure that if I make the list, I will make the time.

»» My List

• Speak Spanish more often. I used to speak Spanish fluently, but it's been years since I've used it on a daily basis so my vocabulary and pronunciation are suffering. More importantly, I have lost confidence in my language skills and find myself too shy to speak with Spanish-speaking people. I will suck-it up and shell out the $400+ for Rosetta Stone, levels 4 & 5, and get my practice on and my confidence up.
  
  
• Explore a different neighborhood of Charm City each month and takes lots of photos for my other blog.
  
  
• Design and launch a Web site for my friend Lora's up-and-coming nonprofit Wednesday Spaghetti. A couple of weekends ago I bought a brand-new 24-inch imac and the entire Adobe Web Premium Creative Suite—I've got the tools, so it's time to get crack-a-lackin' on this project!
  
  
• Quit my gym membership and use the monthly savings to justify purchasing an iphone to accompany my new imac. They will play so nicely together!
  
  
• Prepare to "break ground" on my public art mosaic project by the end of next summer or early next fall. The wheels are churning and the ideas flowing. I will write about some of my ideas for this project later this week, so be sure to stop back by!
  
  
• Finish remodeling the basement. Jack and I completely gutted the basement last year, but have done nothing since. We are planning on creating a laundry/mud/storage room, building a bathroom, and having a TV/exercise/dance floor and turntable area. There will be bold color paint and glitter involved.
  
  
• Put together a professional digital portfolio of my Web- and graphic-design projects.
  
  
• Cook one new dish a week. Maybe my Scrumptious Saturday! ladies will volunteer to be my guinea pigs?
  
  
• Make time to practice yoga and pilates more often.
  
  

Aspirations of world domination

The entire world will beg to bow before me, their charismatic despot. MUUUUUUAAAAHHH!

I am often accused by friends and co-workers of plotting to take over the world, but I assure you, I don't really have aspirations of world domination. I mean come on, what kind of arrogant prick would I have to be to believe I could rule the entire planet? I'm just looking to change my immediate surroundings for the better. Is that so wrong?

My most recent undertaking (what is this a morgue? anyway....) is a grand plan to clean up and beautify my block.

The neighborhood I live in could be described as "transitional" or "up-and-coming." If you walk three blocks east, you come to half-a-million dollar condos, but walk three blocks north and you'll find a "blue-light district" with drug dealers on every corner.

My block is somewhere in the middle. There's no one yelling "ready-rock, ready-rock, I got the rock" on my corner or anything, but there are some lingering sketchy corner bars where gun fights are the norm, and there's a lot of garbage on the streets and no one cleans up after their dogs.

Instead of sitting around and passively bitching, I have decided to take action. I am applying for a "block beautification" grant from the city. If it works out, I will assemble a small army of neighbors to pick up garbage, plant flowers and kill the weeds that plague our sidewalk and back alley. I also hope to use the money to get trash cans, with lids, for all my neighbors.

Also, I am attending a Highlandtown Arts! meeting next week to find out about tax breaks for community art projects and to meet representatives of local art groups. This is step one of my goal to turn the big, blank, brick outer wall of my home (I have an end unit rowhome) into a canvas for a giant, sparkly mosaic. Step two is to take a class on making mosaics, where I will learn to cut glass and mirrors among other techniques. I am thinking that I will do a mosaic garden scene, with the help of some local arts organization. Finding an organization to collaborate with will be step 3.

So, there it is. My (not-so) evil plot to "take over" my block.

Selling Out

All my life, I have preached about the importance of "being true" and "doing what you love." I always said, "money doesn't matter."

Now I find myself at a crossroads.

Last week I interviewed for a new position in my office, and there's a pretty good chance that I got it. (Assuming my fear that talking it up before it's official will make it not happen isn't true.) The new position--Web Content Manager--would fetch a larger salary than my measly writer-editor status. But more money comes with more responsibility and greater demands. I would definitely have to put off graduate school for at least another year, as my nice Monday - Friday, 8 - 4:30 schedule will turn into sporadic, long hours.

The new position also begs the question: Where is my career going? Just last month, I was certain that the path to take involved getting a master's degree in environmental science and becoming a science writer or doing PR for a research institute. Now, I find myself wondering if I should embrace the move into the technology sector, get certified in various computer programming languages and make lots and lots of money. Selling out.

Money isn't everything, but it's certainly nice to have. Grad school will set me back about $100,000 and a degree in environmental science will do little to bolster my pay. While the idea of working on a tranquil nature reserve or for an international conservation group makes me drool, economically it doesn't make sense. I can spend $100,000 on a graduate degree and probably never earn more than $65,000 a year, or I can spend a few thousand dollars on computer certs and be making something close to that immediately.

For every choice, something is gained and something is forgone. Am I willing to give up my dreams and sell my soul to the almighty dollar? I might be. And that is scary.

Goals for the New Year

I don't usually make New Year's resolutions...I am way too logical for whimsical wishes of happiness, world peace and an end to hunger. Not that these aren't valuable goals. It's just, I'm a realist [read: pessimist] and these things are simply not attainable in a one-year span.

As a realist, I've decided not to resolve to do anything in 2009, but instead to set some goals for the New Year. Goals are the realist's resolution. Unlike resolutions--steadfast decisions--goals may or may not be met and are fluid enough to allow for change.

With the semantics discussion out of the way, I present my goals for 2009:

• Apply to graduate school. I am 98% certain that I want to get a MS in environmental sciences, the other 2% of me says "anthropologist" or "linguist."
  
  
• Get outdoors once a week, and write about it. My sedentary job and busy, urban lifestyle have been cutting into my nature-loving-tree-hugging-hippy side. I want to get out more often and then write about it.
  
  
• Use my Spanish more often. Foreign-language skills fade fast without practice.
  
  
• Cut myself some slack. Jewish guilt is no joke. My mother raised me to never be satisfied with my best and to always strive for something better. While guilt is a great motivator, it can wear you down and make it impossible to celebrate accomplishments. One day, maybe even this year, I will be able to look myself in the mirror and say: "You are a good, successful person." And mean it.
  
  
• Express affection. I want to hold Jack's hand in public more often, kiss him for no reason at all, stay in bed on a Sunday just to cuddle, and wrap my arms around him each day, as though I hadn't seen him in a year.
  
  
• Forgive, but not forget. I'd like to forgive those who have tried to drag me down and those who have left me with emotional scars. Most of all, I'd like to forgive myself for allowing these people to influence my decisions and weigh heavy on my heart and soul.My past, as sordid as it may be, makes me who I am today, so I can never forget it. But, forgiveness would be good.
  
  
• Get back in touch with my creative side. I want to paint, design, write, draw, work with metal, piece together collages, take up sewing....my creative side has fallen victim to my 9-5. It's time to reclaim it!