I do. Don't I?

If you've followed my blog for a while, you probably know how I feel about marriage. I wrote about it here. And here.

For me, accepting that Jack and I will get married one day has been a lot like the grieving process.

Stage 1, denial. "I'll never get married," I told him when we were first dating.

Stage 2, anger. A couple years in to our relationship, Jack told me that he wanted to marry me someday. Threats were made.

Stage 3, bargaining. "I can't marry you until you finish your degree." "I can't marry you until you start your career," "...until your credit card debt is paid off." "...until...until," until I ran out of excuses.

Stage 4, depression. I would say I was more doubtful than depressed. "Will things change when we're married?" "What happens if we grow apart?" "What if he changes his mind and decides he wants kids? What if I do?" "What if, what if, what if?!?"

Stage 5, acceptance. Last month, Jack told me that he intends to propose by the end of the year. I didn't freak out. I didn't make any threats or excuses. I didn't ask any questions. I just smiled and thought about what my answer will be. Yes. I will say "yes." I just hope I can say it with enthusiasm. I am terrified of my reaction when Jack finally does pop the question. What if I am not happy and excited when he asks? What if I still have lingering fears and doubts that he can read on my face when I respond? It would break his heart.

The inevitable "big question"

There is no more delaying the inevitable. Jack is going to "pop the question," most likely before the end of the year.

We've been dating for five or six years (who's counting), and living together for almost three. Somewhere around our two-year mark, Jack told me that he intended to marry me.

My first reaction: "If you get down on one knee, I'll kick you in the teeth!" Poor Jack. Luckily for me he's a patient and understanding man. He knows that my father's multiple failed marriages that crumbled before my eyes and his horrible parenting skills (putting it mildly, the man should have been put in jail for the things he did when I was younger), have jaded me against marriage and men in general.

The next time Jack mentioned marriage, I got all logical and said: "You should finish your degree and find a career before we talk about this. I want you to have options. Besides, my parents wouldn't approve of me marrying a man without a "real" job." Sounds good, right? Bought me few more years.

Well, Jack has finished his degree in psychology and earlier this month he began training to be an elementary school teacher in the Baltimore City Public School System. Degree? Check. Job? By next month. Now he's asking what type of ring I want...

Don't get me wrong. I have no qualms about being with Jack forever. We get each other in a way that must be rare. We can joke, have fun and work hard together. He's my favorite dance partner. We see eye-to-eye on so many things. We have great sexual chemistry. Things are good, so why go screwing that up by throwing marriage into the mix?

So many people tell me "everything changes when you get married."

Jack and I have had numerous conversations about--and agreed on--things that will likely never change, whether we get married or not. I don't want to combine finances. I don't plan to have children. I would like to pursue a PhD eventually (after I complete the master's program I am applying for this week). My career goals involve moving to Latin America and working in the nonprofit world, in the ecotourism industry or at an environmental research or conservation center. I've already started teaching Jack some Spanish.

I DON'T expect that Jack will suddenly expect me to be barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen allowing my dreams to fade away just because we get married.

Of course I realize that people grow and people change, so maybe I am naive in thinking that we can grow together, not apart, and the promises Jack and I have made will hold strong. I don't think he'd want that.

Maybe I am naive. But, is that really so bad?

If I am going to "take the plunge," I'd like to say my "I do" with a head full of positive thoughts and a heart full of love.

Gay Marriage

Just when I finally felt like I could be proud of the U.S. population, citizens of California, Arizona and Florida go and eff it up.

When will gays be treated equally in our society? If the government tried to ban marriages between people based on race, religion, age, class, etc., there would be riots across the country.
We have affirmative action for racial minorities and women. Meanwhile, there is no law to specifically forbid firing someone for being gay. I have more than one gay friend who is afraid of admitting to being homosexual for fear of backlash from the community and repercussion at the workplace.

Laws against hate crimes protect criminal offenses committed against a person or property motivated, in whole or in part, by the offender's bias against a racial group, religion, ethnicity, gender, sexual preference or disability. Gender identity is not protected, because, apparently, beating cross-dressers with baseball bats isn’t a crime…law enforcement agencies don’t even bother keeping stats on these crimes. Just last year, President Bush rejected efforts to expand federal "hate crimes" laws to include sexual orientation.

I am proud that this country has finally progressed to a point where a black family can occupy the white house and a woman can be considered as a presidential nominee. Unfortunately, we have not come far enough to allow gays to be treated as equals.

My theory? People are scared to accept gays because they just might have to acknowledge their own homo-erotic thoughts. Get over it.

Marriage

As a little girl, I never dreamed about being a bride. I didn’t fantasize about wearing an elaborate white (beige) dress with a long train. I didn’t hum duuum-duuuum-du-DUUM while holding mock weddings for Barbie, Ken and friends. And, I certainly never believed in “Mr. Right.”

In fact, I have spent much of my life hating men and viewing marriage as a conformist and stifling ritual at its best, and a huge mistake at its worst. My cynical view of this so-called sacred bond between two people is probably thanks to my deadbeat father who married and divorced multiple times during my childhood (and before and after). Watching his numerous dysfunctional relationships crumble (aKa go down in a heap of twisted wreckage and burning flames), I remember thinking: “Why get married? Just makes it harder to leave when that time comes.”

Sad, huh?

The reason I am writing all this is that Jack recently divulged his plan to propose to me sometime in the near future. This is not the first time he brought up the subject. Last time I threatened to kick him in the teeth.

Jack may not be “Mr. Right.” He’s certainly not perfect. I’m certainly not either. I love him. He’s by best friend. We live together and share everything. Why screw that up with marriage?

What is marriage? I want to get a master’s degree, dance all night long, travel the world and eventually move to Central America. Can married women do that? Would I have to take his name? Would I hyphenate? No, that’s tacky. I’d be Mara Low. I’d have to get a new license, passport, etc. Would we have to put all our finances together? I don’t want to. He’s not great with money. I don’t want kids. I don’t want a dog. Would his tolerance for my insanity wane? Would sex be different? Would he suddenly become jealous? Would I?

So many questions….