Too busy

“I’m too busy” has to be the most commonly use excuse for not doing something. I know I use it all time.

“I’m too busy” to clean the house. “I don’t have time” to respond to calls and e-mails from friends whose lives have led them down paths very different from that of my own. “I’m too busy” to call my birth-father, who is probably going to die soon thanks to a life-long drug addiction. I’ve got “too much going on” to be bothered with visiting my ex-step-sister and her new baby. And, I just “haven’t gotten around to” responding to that heart-breaking letter from my “madre tica,” informing me that her son, who I once cared deeply for, has inoperable brain tumors and that the family is struggling to pay medical bills and make ends meet.

It’s time for me to be honest with myself.

Yes, I am a “busy” person. I work like a dog. My commute is two-hours each way. When I’m not working a paid job, I do volunteer work. Next, I’ll be applying to grad school.

Is it possible that I keep myself “busy” so I have an excuse to ignore the things I can’t (or don’t want) to deal with? I seem to find time for kayaking trips, boozing-it-up with my neighbors, relaxing poolside with my parents, writing a blog, etc.

Maybe I put off cleaning the house, because there are 3,000 things I’d rather be doing. Maybe I don’t get in-touch with old friends because I’m not ready to acknowledge the fact that we’ve grown apart. Maybe I don’t call the ex-step-sis because it makes me sick to think that she is stupid enough to get pregnant by a jailbird junkie and uncaring enough to do dope throughout the pregnancy. And, maybe I don’t call my birth-father, because I can’t speak to him with out wanting to cry for all the fucked-up things he did to me as a child. And maybe, just maybe, I don’t respond to the letter from “mi madre tica” because I’m terrified. I’m afraid the letter is a lie and I am being conned. I’m afraid that I’m a horrible person for doubting. And, I’m most afraid that the letter speaks the truth and I can’t do anything about it.

So, there it is. The truth.