If you've followed my blog for a while, you probably know how I feel about marriage. I wrote about it here. And here.
For me, accepting that Jack and I will get married one day has been a lot like the grieving process.
Stage 1, denial. "I'll never get married," I told him when we were first dating.
Stage 2, anger. A couple years in to our relationship, Jack told me that he wanted to marry me someday. Threats were made.
Stage 3, bargaining. "I can't marry you until you finish your degree." "I can't marry you until you start your career," "...until your credit card debt is paid off." "...until...until," until I ran out of excuses.
Stage 4, depression. I would say I was more doubtful than depressed. "Will things change when we're married?" "What happens if we grow apart?" "What if he changes his mind and decides he wants kids? What if I do?" "What if, what if, what if?!?"
Stage 5, acceptance. Last month, Jack told me that he intends to propose by the end of the year. I didn't freak out. I didn't make any threats or excuses. I didn't ask any questions. I just smiled and thought about what my answer will be. Yes. I will say "yes." I just hope I can say it with enthusiasm. I am terrified of my reaction when Jack finally does pop the question. What if I am not happy and excited when he asks? What if I still have lingering fears and doubts that he can read on my face when I respond? It would break his heart.
Why yes, I AM riding a camel in this picture. I've also eaten guinnea pig and slept on a fruit barge floating through Lake Nicaragua. I like adventure!
Thanks Lizzi!
Thanks Garf!
Thanks Margarita!
Thanks The Wife in Stilettos!
For us, didn't change a thing. 'Cept for I acquired a very generic Danish last name to add to mine, and hubby finally boasts a name no one else in the world has, since before if you googled his entire name you got 130 hits. And none of the hits was him.
ReplyDeleteSeriously. The only thing. And we've been married for over 6 years.
As someone that was just sitting on go waiting to get a proposal.....it's all the same. Now I just have an Irish-y last name and not an English-y one. You could just think of it as one big party (reception) and go from there. Either way.....enjoy it. And Jack.
ReplyDeleteIf your relationship is strong, which it sounds like yours is, nothing will change except for a little piece of paper and your taxes. You two live together...what other suprises are there to find out about each other?! None...you know his bad habits, he knows yours. It's not like you are 19 and getting married to only grow apart once you turn 21...you will be fine. You wouldn't have had such a calm reaction to his statement had you thought differently deep down.
ReplyDeletei second what Haley said. nothing will change except that it's on paper. you know each other, you know what to expect. don't let that piece of paper freak you out. it will be a good thing. all relationships are hard, married or not. but it's worth it.
ReplyDeleteI've always had this idealistic picture in my head of getting proposed to, thinking it would be the magical moment of knowing that you'll spend the rest of your life with this person. But in real life that's not the case. I don't need a proposal to seal the deal b/c i already know that I'm with the someone that I will be with forever, but i also can't imagine getting married to him? is that weird? b/c marriage is not something I can't see myself doing with anyone, but at the same time i know it's probably inevitable. perhaps i'm just scared....perhaps when it finally happens for you and you're in the moment things will change and your answer will be genuine, happy, real.
ReplyDeleteI would love to get married. Ugh. Sometimes I wish it wouldn't matter to me so much...
ReplyDeleteMarriage isn't that scary...i being a guy, saying that, certainly should hint you that i have thought a lot about it. Love is life and life is a journey...so take it...you will do great. Things do need a little working at times. We all need them. If done, with an understanding, certainly do last a lifetime. Good that you have fears. That makes you a winner cause you know what it would take.
ReplyDeleteAnd i would like to answer : You DO. :))
as someone who thinks that marriage is abused and poorly addressed and crammed down our throats in really unhealthy ways that make women in their late twenties turn into total bleeping weirdos, i like your perspective. and your ability to parse your reactions. very admirable.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your support everyone. I mean it when I say your comments have helped me feel more secure with this whole marriage thing.
ReplyDeleteBrandie and Rinny, you're right, a piece of paper is just that. I might have been opposed to taking Jack's last name, except I have no attachment to my last name from my birth father.
Garf, I always appreciate your positive outlook on life. You totally just turned my insecurities into strengths with your comment.
Margarita, you are young and fabulous, I say don't rush into marriage!
ShansPLC and Kelsi-- I totally agree that women are spoon-feed this whole idealistic, bullshit notion of "prince charming" and "magical, earth-shattering romantic love." Even though I know better, somehow this nonsense manages to make me feel insecure. I wonder if my love for Jack isn't strong enough because I feel like I'd be just fine with out him. I wonder if our relationship, which is a lot like a bestest friendship, is right for marriage? Blech.
when Jack proposes, simply smile, punch him right in the mouth, and THEN say "yes" with weepy eyes...make him work for it...
ReplyDeleteThe fact that you are worried about not having a "good enough" reaction to his proposal speaks volumes about your relationship together, despite all your hesitations about the idea of marriage. It's sweet how much you care about him and you should just try not to think about the concept of marriage, just about being with him forever.
ReplyDeleteIt's going to be fine, you'll see. =)